The Nether Yay-ya and a Possible Change

Welcome back to "Things I didn't really want to know about this girl."  This month's health update is brought to you by the letters G Y N. 

It's been so long since I've been to that doctor that the first thing she said upon walking into the room was, "So why haven't you been to the doctor in 20 years?"  Um.  'Cause I don't use it often and I've never rented the womb out to anyone?  'Cause I'm very very lucky to be so healthy?  'Cause I just kept putting it off?  All unacceptable answers. 

It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, of course.  She's a lovely woman and a former middle school teacher.  Although, she did tell me to get a colonoscopy due to my advanced years.  And not the talking box on television, but a real colonoscopy.  Everything looked good and she thanked me for staying in the profession.  That made me feel nice.  Like I was appreciated.  

Yeah.  About that. 

This is my classroom by the numbers:

9 students, 3 grade levels, 7 push-in rooms, 2 languages, 4 disability classifications, 6 curriculums, 5 behavior charts, 28 IEP goals.  (Edited to add: 11 students, 33 IEP goals)

This isn't to brag or toot any horns.  This is to show you what goes on in classrooms across the country.  This is only part of the reason why teachers are burnt out and leaving.  Throw in challenging behaviors, minimal support from home, district admin/DOE not having an idea what actually goes on in classrooms...I could go on.  It's a recipe for therapy.  

I have much to think about.  Do I want to keep doing this to myself?  Do I want to put up with all the negative for very little positive?  I thought I was doing this for the rest of my working days.  Now I'm not sure.  The catalyst for this change of heart, the straw that broke this camel's back, was a meeting on Friday that I still can't let go of.  I'm still irritated.  I still get upset when I think about it or talk about it. 

That Student, for those who follow along on the Facebook, is quite a struggling learner.  I am supplementing his fourth-grade math with 1st-grade math. He is unable to do this work independently. I asked him last week to solve 0-0.  He told me it's 5.  In an effort to make his life easier, I requested we apply for modified curriculum and alternative assessments during this year's IEP meeting.

In order for this to happen, you have to meet certain criteria.  He meets the criteria of a cognitive struggle, but because he's socially competent and can take care of his basic needs, he does not qualify. 

The child who asked me if we were playing bingo, WHILE WE WERE PLAYING BINGO, the child who asked how to hold up 14 fingers, the child who can not solve 1st grade math problems as a 4th grader, does not qualify for modified curriculum, because a piece of paper said so.  A checklist, a piece of paper, knows more about what my kid needs than I do. Some random person, who probably hasn't been in the classroom in years (if ever) created a checklist that knows more about my kid than I do.  

To add insult to injury, That Student's mom, who was at home Zooming in to this meeting, was watching TV throughout the meeting.  We were discussing the possibility of her child not pursuing the diploma track and she was watching TV.  

Why am I even here?  Why am I even doing this?  Clearly they should be paying the checklist my salary, and if I have no concern/interest from the parent, what's the point...............I want to scream.

I'm tired. I don't want to struggle for other people's kids anymore.  I'm tired of doing all the work.  I'm tired of the parent apathy.  I'm sick of the higher-ups being more concerned about math posters and pacing than the well-being of the students. I'm tired of being selfless and "doing it for the kids."  I'm tired of advocating for my kids and getting no results.  I'm sick to death of challenging behaviors occurring daily and no real consequences being leveled.  We are setting some of these kids up for failure and nobody seems to see it.  

I did some exploring on Indeed last night and there are several options in the areas I'm interested.  Of course I need to finish out the school year so that gives me time to weigh things out and decide what I truly want to do.  I did briefly consider Starbucks barista and Wawa employee, but I'd eventually weigh 400 lbs. and spend my salary on product.

So much to think about. Any and all opinions are welcome. This is not a decision I will take lightly.

Anyway...my gynecological tests came back negative for all things icky. Shout out to my parents for giving me such healthy DNA.  

What Can You Do With a General When He Stops Being a General?

And so this is the question I am asking myself.  This blogger finds herself in a position of everything is possible and nothing is possible, simultaneously. It's a scary, awkward, degrading, awful, depressing, anxious, unnerving, (have I forgotten anything?) feeling. To put it succinctly, it sucks.

I was a teacher for 20 years, more if you count the years I was a teaching assistant.  Seventeen years of that was with the same school district. Last week I turned in my resignation.  It's been some time coming.  It's not how I would have done it, but it's done.

Special Ed is becoming rough, yo.  It's no longer help the children where they are and prepare them for the life ahead with daily living and job skills.  Now it's catch them up to their grade-level peers and let's hope their families pick up the rest. It's no longer teach them where they're at. It's now, force them to fit in these spaces and make our scores look good.  I don't know.  Maybe that's not everywhere.  Maybe just where I was.  But it wasn't always like that, which is what upsets me the most.  The district I left was more concerned about what education looks like rather than what education is.  

I've applied to many job openings still in the field of special education.  I've been interviewed for all but two so far.  I've even had a second interview for two.  Sadly, no offer has been made.  My thoughts: 1-I'm expensive to hire. Twenty years of experience brings a high salary; 2-When they call the school for reference, I'm not spoken of well; 3-I really do suck as a teacher. 

Happily, I do have a phone interview soon for a really cool charter school.  It's arts-based.  Singing and dancing?  Count me in!  

So while friends are going on vacation, taking trips down the shore, Hershey Park, Mexico, etc., I've been scouring the Internet and interviewing for jobs.  I've been working out (having not lost a pound), keeping a fancy journal, knitting, reading, dabbling in BW photography, and starting this blog.  We don't know what we're going to need as far as money in the future so we stick close to home. 

Back-to-school sales have taken on a whole new feeling. 

So that's it. First blog post. Just some stuff about my life at this moment.