It's Been a Year

I began 2022 with a goal that I actually completed. I took charge of my health and got checked out from top to bottom. Literally. 

Not only did I ensure that I have no hidden issues, I feel like I accomplished many things over the year.  I love crossing stuff off a list. It gives me joy to set my mind on a task and complete it, even if it's just folding that load of towels in the dryer.

My biggest accomplishment was getting a handle on my mental health. I saw pictures of myself from the Fall of last year. I looked better than I do currently. I was hiding everything so well that I even had my face convinced that I was OK. Now my brain feels better and it looks like it aged me. 

So now that I am deep in mental health recovery, what's next? Bungee jumping? Ballroom dancing? Only Fans? Nothing so exciting. I'm just going to be me. Do I have some new (possibly outlandish) goals for 2023? Of course. 

More reading, learning, questioning, researching, advocating, discussing, and all around attempting to become a Renaissance Man. Woman. Person. Renaissance Person. Like DaVinci with boobs. I have a year to accomplish this. That's doable, right?

So that's all. If you've stayed with this all year, congrats. Your life is as boring as mine. 

Whatever you decide to do for your New Year's resolutions/goals/intentions please be sure to include something about your health. I don't mean the typical "lose 30 lbs. by summer." Talk to a mental health professional, get that procedure you've been putting off, have a dermatologist look at that mole, book a spa day. 

While I ultimately did this year of Health for me, I hope I convinced a few of you to follow through on some things.  I sincerely hope you at least considered doing something for yourself. You are important. 

💚

I Forgot!!!!!

It took me 11 months, but I finally forgot to do a monthly health check-in. I don't see this as a loss, however, but as a win against any health concerns I may have had. Not to mention I think I've hit all the major body parts one could investigate in a preventative way.  With that said, I'll keep this short.

I did have my 6-month dentist appointment in November. That went well, even with a chipped tooth. I also went back to the GYN for some minor things. That did not go well. Not with me, physically, but with the doctor and her nurse. They were very dismissive and kind of annoyed that I was there wasting their time. I'll leave out the intimate details, but I will tell you I won't be going back to that doctor again. 

A few months back, my therapist and I decided that I was good to go for dropping to bimonthly sessions as things were looking better and I was getting a grip on things. At our last session, we agreed to further drop it to once per month.  

I began the year as a hot mess that didn't know they were drowning until this wonderful LCSW scooped me out of the quagmire I had built for myself as a flotation device. I kept pulling stuff closer to me as a support system without realizing that it was pulling me further down. She helped me to let things go so that I could freely move again. 

She helped me focus and redirect the energy that I was using to hang on, and put it toward accomplishing something and improving my every day. She saved my life. Not in the Suicidal-I'm-Going-To-End-It-All way (I'm way too witty and sarcastic, and wouldn't dream of depriving people of that), but in the Closing-Off-The-World-And-Becoming-A-Hermit way (although I haven't fully ruled that out if they find a way to get Wi-Fi and a coffee pot to work in a cave).

So one month to go on this Year of Health and I have nothing planned for December.  Looks like it will be a non-medical health month. Singing Christmas songs (poorly), watching Hallmark Christmas Movies (and one Hallmark Hanukkah movie), baking (and eating), Secret Santa (love my team), and relaxing over Christmas break (and lots of painting). 

I started this year off in a bad way, but...

Here we are again, Lord

Today was the first day for students at my school. It was crazy, hectic, busy, and fun. I saw a few of my kids from last year, which was nice. I didn't see TS. 😢😢 He's in another school district so I can't even spy on him. I'll miss our conversations. 

This behind-the-scenes-of-teaching job I now have is a different sort of pressure than teaching, itself. Not worse, just different. It's a lot of problem-solving which I enjoy. That's the nerd in me who solves Sudoku puzzles, plays word games, and enjoys the analytic side of math. I also like the backstage, behind the curtain stuff. I'm always checking out IMDB. I want to know how the show happens; what makes it run. I saw Phantom of the Opera twice so that the second time I could watch things formulate around the theater. This position is perfect for all of this. Trying to fit the pieces into their respective holes while putting out fires. 

Funny story: On my first day here at Park in 2018, I had a nosebleed in our back-to-school faculty meeting. Stress? Allergies? Who knows. Last week during the first back-to-school faculty meeting with a new position...nosebleed.  

It's uncomfortable being in a new place or situation. You need to find your way around and make sure you're not Godzilla destroying things in the effort. I told my friend that I felt like I was flying a plane with no lessons-just flipping switches and hoping not to crash. That's really how we get through life, isn't it? 

The most uncomfortable thing about the first day last week? My bra. Honestly. I picked and pulled at that thing all day! I went shopping for new ones and have a suggestion for retailers: Display these items by size and not by manufacturer. That way, I don't have to pick through the band-aid and string sizes to find the battle armor I need. 

My health thing for this month was a facial. It was incredibly relaxing. She asked if I was having any problems I wanted to work on. I told her, "Gravity" so she did a hydrating session. I could have stayed there all day. The little shoulder massage and the hot towel on my face was perfect. 

Dramatic reenactment: 

Remember, health doesn't need to be about doctors, pharmaceuticals, therapists, or tests. It can be indulging in something that is just for you. 

Oh! Speaking of that, my therapist and I decided that I do not need to see each other weekly and we're doing every other week. Either I'm feeling better or I've got her fooled. 

This weekend is the unofficial end of the summer. According to Walmart, that started weeks ago. Halloween, pumpkin spiced toothpaste, and fall clothing is everywhere. It's my favorite season. Summer is great for recouping some energy, but Autumn is envigorating. I know some people complain that other people push this season too early. However, after the last few years we've endured together, the world is a hot mess and we should celebrate whatever, whenever.  I'm making Irish Soda Bread this week, simply because I want to. Slainte! 

July: In Pictures

Health isn't always about doctors. 

  

The Nether Yay-ya and a Possible Change

Welcome back to "Things I didn't really want to know about this girl."  This month's health update is brought to you by the letters G Y N. 

It's been so long since I've been to that doctor that the first thing she said upon walking into the room was, "So why haven't you been to the doctor in 20 years?"  Um.  'Cause I don't use it often and I've never rented the womb out to anyone?  'Cause I'm very very lucky to be so healthy?  'Cause I just kept putting it off?  All unacceptable answers. 

It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, of course.  She's a lovely woman and a former middle school teacher.  Although, she did tell me to get a colonoscopy due to my advanced years.  And not the talking box on television, but a real colonoscopy.  Everything looked good and she thanked me for staying in the profession.  That made me feel nice.  Like I was appreciated.  

Yeah.  About that. 

This is my classroom by the numbers:

9 students, 3 grade levels, 7 push-in rooms, 2 languages, 4 disability classifications, 6 curriculums, 5 behavior charts, 28 IEP goals.  (Edited to add: 11 students, 33 IEP goals)

This isn't to brag or toot any horns.  This is to show you what goes on in classrooms across the country.  This is only part of the reason why teachers are burnt out and leaving.  Throw in challenging behaviors, minimal support from home, district admin/DOE not having an idea what actually goes on in classrooms...I could go on.  It's a recipe for therapy.  

I have much to think about.  Do I want to keep doing this to myself?  Do I want to put up with all the negative for very little positive?  I thought I was doing this for the rest of my working days.  Now I'm not sure.  The catalyst for this change of heart, the straw that broke this camel's back, was a meeting on Friday that I still can't let go of.  I'm still irritated.  I still get upset when I think about it or talk about it. 

That Student, for those who follow along on the Facebook, is quite a struggling learner.  I am supplementing his fourth-grade math with 1st-grade math. He is unable to do this work independently. I asked him last week to solve 0-0.  He told me it's 5.  In an effort to make his life easier, I requested we apply for modified curriculum and alternative assessments during this year's IEP meeting.

In order for this to happen, you have to meet certain criteria.  He meets the criteria of a cognitive struggle, but because he's socially competent and can take care of his basic needs, he does not qualify. 

The child who asked me if we were playing bingo, WHILE WE WERE PLAYING BINGO, the child who asked how to hold up 14 fingers, the child who can not solve 1st grade math problems as a 4th grader, does not qualify for modified curriculum, because a piece of paper said so.  A checklist, a piece of paper, knows more about what my kid needs than I do. Some random person, who probably hasn't been in the classroom in years (if ever) created a checklist that knows more about my kid than I do.  

To add insult to injury, That Student's mom, who was at home Zooming in to this meeting, was watching TV throughout the meeting.  We were discussing the possibility of her child not pursuing the diploma track and she was watching TV.  

Why am I even here?  Why am I even doing this?  Clearly they should be paying the checklist my salary, and if I have no concern/interest from the parent, what's the point...............I want to scream.

I'm tired. I don't want to struggle for other people's kids anymore.  I'm tired of doing all the work.  I'm tired of the parent apathy.  I'm sick of the higher-ups being more concerned about math posters and pacing than the well-being of the students. I'm tired of being selfless and "doing it for the kids."  I'm tired of advocating for my kids and getting no results.  I'm sick to death of challenging behaviors occurring daily and no real consequences being leveled.  We are setting some of these kids up for failure and nobody seems to see it.  

I did some exploring on Indeed last night and there are several options in the areas I'm interested.  Of course I need to finish out the school year so that gives me time to weigh things out and decide what I truly want to do.  I did briefly consider Starbucks barista and Wawa employee, but I'd eventually weigh 400 lbs. and spend my salary on product.

So much to think about. Any and all opinions are welcome. This is not a decision I will take lightly.

Anyway...my gynecological tests came back negative for all things icky. Shout out to my parents for giving me such healthy DNA.  

A Week of Firsts

Last week was a week of firsts for me as far as my health goes.  

On Monday I went to the dermatologist for the first time.  There were a few spots I wanted to get looked at, and since I'm approaching mid-life I wanted to add it to my list of health stuff for the year.  

I didn't know what to expect, except that I might need to get nekkid and that I had to shave.  I did the requisite shaving and steeled myself for the unknown.  

All of my areas were normal wear and tear, according to the doctor.  Actually, he said something quite hurtful.......he told me that I have Middle-Aged Skin.  What the hell, man?!  We just met!  Ugh.  He also said that he could tell I'd been naughty in the sun in my youth.  I had to agree with that one (reference the #s in my previous post).  Otherwise, I'm good to go and don't need to come back for further examination. I passed!

On Wednesday I had my first therapy appointment.  I was so nervous that I almost canceled.  I didn't know what to talk about, or what she'd want to know.  I paced for 30 minutes and logged on 15 minutes early just to make sure I was there.  I'm doing this over Zoom which is not ideal (except I don't have to wear pants).  I'm only in two places most of my time: home and work.  I was hoping to get out of those spaces and into someplace neutral for this, but it is what it is.  

My therapist is very nice and even graciously put up with my rambling.  She already gave me homework and had suggestions as to why I want to kill everyone lately.  She would like to address the issues in a short-term fashion (3-4 months) and set me loose with the tools to maintain for the long term.  

She's still in the assessing part of the sessions. I kept interrupting, I think, with my verbal diarrhea.  We discussed a host of different things.  I gave brief-ish summaries to her questions and was doing well, until any time we talked about work.  Any time that came up, I started to get teary and shut down because I didn't want to cry.  

Incredibly, with just one session, I immediately felt better.  Just that one 55 minutes had a positive impact on me, and we haven't even gotten to the heart of things.  It's almost as if Mental Health is Health.  😏

The Journey Toward Tricking My Body Into Thinking I'm Younger Than I Am

With this being the Year of Health for me, I had my first doctor's appointment today.  It was the dentist which is usually a dreaded trip, but I was determined that I would find the positive. Finding the positives was easier than I thought.  

The hygenist was someone I used to see at my former dental practice and she is great.  I knew this was going to go well.  Either the dentist chair has become super comfy, or I just needed to relax, because when she laid it back I felt great.  Legs elevated, firm but squishy support, comfy headrest. I also really like the dentist lighting they use.  You know the moving arm light they shine in your face?  It's like mood lighting.  I'd love it for the classroom. Very chill.

My last dental appointment was scheduled for the middle of March 2020.  Clearly, it did not happen, so my hygenist had her work cut out for her. I didn't even mind the metal scraping, water scraping thingy, mouth pulling, etc.  I haven't had anything like a spa experience in years so this was great. I relaxed and let someone else do the work. My teeth feel great, I was out in 30 minutes, and there was nothing wrong.

Still haven't started therapy. It's so difficult to find someone. I thought I had it but that didn't work out.  The practice called me three times to set up an appointment, but the call was always during the day when I was teaching.  I finally returned their call but haven't heard from them.  In the meantime, I've been looking elsewhere, but no luck.  I did find someone I thought would be great but she's not taking new patients.  

I have to admit I'm being picky.  Like, really picky.  I want someone who is......seasoned.  And jaded, like me.  I don't think a newly graduated youngling is the way to go for me.  I don't want happy, sunshiny, toxic positivity. I want a GenX therapist; not Millennial or GenZ  What I'd ideally like is someone to open my skull and manipulate my brain like my chiropractor does to my body.  Why isn't science working on that?

The other problem I'm running into is that all the LCSW I've found so far have 8-5 office hours.  I'm at work at 7:30 and don't get home until 5 or later.  I don't take off from school unless I absolutely need to do so.  It is far too much trouble to take off, plus with staffing shortages, it's worse now.  

Anywho........

Next up is the dermatologist in February. I'm really looking forward to that since I've never been to one before.  I'm sure I'll have issues with my skin.  Can't lay out in the sun in your youte with no sunscreen and expect to come away with no problems.  #wildwood #sunpoisoning  I'll keep you posted.

No New Year Resolution For Me

I decided to not make any resolutions for 2022. I typically don't keep them past January anyway. I forget or get sidetracked or just give up.  This year I decided to have a Word of the Year and that will be my focus. A theme for the year, I guess.  My word is HEALTH. 

I neglect my health constantly, shrugging off things as no big deal, or I'll get to it later.  I'm not big on going to the doctor, especially if I know what's wrong or it's something small.  There are people in life who need to see a doctor for more serious matters and that's who should be going.  I feel like I'm taking up space.

Recently something has prompted me to take a better look at myself and my health. Is it because of the pandemic?  No.  Is it because I suddenly feel like I'm important?  No. I still feel selfish for bugging professionals with my measly medical needs.  Is it because I'm old?  Probably.  I also blame mirrors.

I don't remember the last time I had a physical. I haven't been to the dentist since before March 2020 (I was slated to go in March, then everything shut down). My nether eh-ya? HA!  

So over the last two weeks, I bit the bullet and made some appointments. I have the dentist in January, the dermatologist in February, the GYN in March, the eye doctor in April, and of course, the Semi-Annual Boob Squish in the summer.  Those appointments were all easy to make.  The final appointment I needed took me about a month of working up the courage. 

I tout mental health on my Facebook page and am an advocate for it.  Mental Health is health.  I'm not ashamed that I take medication daily to help keep me sane.  I work with a population of students who often require medication to help them navigate through life.  They all know I take mine every day and so they should be taking theirs.  So why was making an appointment with a therapist so difficult for me?

It came down to being perceived as feeling needy, or that my problems were so much less than other people's problems.  There are seriously mentally ill people in our world and I should just be thankful that I'm not suffering like they are.  Those are the people who need the help.  Not me. 

Then I reflected on how I've been feeling lately, and it's not good.  "Suck it up and move on" wasn't working anymore.  Depression and anger were staying around longer than normal. Everything was irritating. I didn't want to be bothered by anyone. I wanted to be left alone.  I was forgetting things.  I stopped painting. It occurred to me that this was something more than being in a funk. 

After a few weeks of research and bribing myself to make contact, I got in touch with a local group of therapists to set up an appointment.  They have a 4-week waiting list and I'm OK with that.  I am not a danger to myself or others (except slow drivers in the left lane on 95). Just having made that first step already has me feeling better. 

My point with all this is that your health includes your mental health.  Don't forget that.  Maybe even start there.  Take stock of how you've been feeling lately. Don't dismiss it as "just the pandemic" or "just the holidays."  COVID isn't going anywhere and there's always a holiday.

Take time for yourself. You are important. You matter. Stop worrying about what other people think. If you are reading this, you are important to me. My DMs are open if you need to slide in and vent and use all caps to scream and yell about something. No judgment. 

Happy New Year! 💕