I Forgot!!!!!

It took me 11 months, but I finally forgot to do a monthly health check-in. I don't see this as a loss, however, but as a win against any health concerns I may have had. Not to mention I think I've hit all the major body parts one could investigate in a preventative way.  With that said, I'll keep this short.

I did have my 6-month dentist appointment in November. That went well, even with a chipped tooth. I also went back to the GYN for some minor things. That did not go well. Not with me, physically, but with the doctor and her nurse. They were very dismissive and kind of annoyed that I was there wasting their time. I'll leave out the intimate details, but I will tell you I won't be going back to that doctor again. 

A few months back, my therapist and I decided that I was good to go for dropping to bimonthly sessions as things were looking better and I was getting a grip on things. At our last session, we agreed to further drop it to once per month.  

I began the year as a hot mess that didn't know they were drowning until this wonderful LCSW scooped me out of the quagmire I had built for myself as a flotation device. I kept pulling stuff closer to me as a support system without realizing that it was pulling me further down. She helped me to let things go so that I could freely move again. 

She helped me focus and redirect the energy that I was using to hang on, and put it toward accomplishing something and improving my every day. She saved my life. Not in the Suicidal-I'm-Going-To-End-It-All way (I'm way too witty and sarcastic, and wouldn't dream of depriving people of that), but in the Closing-Off-The-World-And-Becoming-A-Hermit way (although I haven't fully ruled that out if they find a way to get Wi-Fi and a coffee pot to work in a cave).

So one month to go on this Year of Health and I have nothing planned for December.  Looks like it will be a non-medical health month. Singing Christmas songs (poorly), watching Hallmark Christmas Movies (and one Hallmark Hanukkah movie), baking (and eating), Secret Santa (love my team), and relaxing over Christmas break (and lots of painting). 

I started this year off in a bad way, but...

Shanah Tovah

I sat outside on this GORGEOUS Rosh Hashana and thought about what a difference a year makes. I thought about why in this year of health, September is the most healthy I've felt in quite a while. There are a few reasons why, and they're pretty basic. They had to be basic, as I have no means or fortitude to do something extravagant.

One reason was that I made a dedication to myself. That's how this started. I decided on ME. Suck it up and move on had always been my motto. That wasn't working anymore so I had to find something better. Right around this time last year is when I found it. It was just Me, all along. That sounds so stupid and self-serving and I'm OK with that.  It's what I needed.

Prior to therapy, I could not have admitted that. I would have beaten myself up for it, called myself selfish, and generally looked poorly at myself. After therapy? Don't care! Also, as a woman of a certain age...Don't care!  It's all about me, baby. OK, that's a bit much, but you get the idea. It's the O2 mask on a crashing plane concept, except I was the plane. 

Last year I reconnected (in person, no less!) with friends I hadn't seen in a while and it was great. It really was wonderful. Of course, we've stayed in contact via social media, but seeing my high school and college friends face to face was amazing. Part of this wellness kick I've been on can be attributed to them. Actually, they were the impetus. Thank you. 

Another reason I'm feeling better is that I left teaching. That was so hard. Just an unfathomably difficult decision. My therapist is a proponent of Pro/Con lists and she helped me work through this. It was quite a lopsided list so I went for it and I don't miss the classroom at all. 

I F&*@ing LOVE my job. I don't have the Sunday Scaries anymore. I don't lose sleep over other people's kids. I'm still in education and see the students every day, which was important to me. I actually look forward to going to work every single day. I have first-grade lunch duty and they are adorable. I had one girl ask me for a piece of ketchup last week. 

An additional reason for the better health, and one I find interesting, is that now my insides are taken care of, I want my outsides to match. I want to look outwardly, like I feel inwardly.  I want to tone up, wear clothes that actually fit, improve my posture, put effort (minor effort) into my hair and makeup, clean up these scars* on my legs, and in the meantime, be happy with how I am right now. 

I've got my insides medically checked out from head to toe, it's time to work on the outside. 95% of my meetings are on Zoom and I need to step it up a bit. 

I spent today giving myself a home salon day. Not as good as Salon Salon from the pics I've seen (Hi, Sarah!). I did a manicure with new nail colors for Fall, including CHOPPING THEM ALL OFF. I love short nails with dark polish in the colder months. I realize Halloween witches are supposed to have long, pointy nails, but this witch likes them short and dark. Since it's still flip-flop weather the toenails are also freshly painted. I can't stand unpainted toes in open-toed shoes. Bleh. 

The grey is covered again. Every other month I contemplate just letting it all go grey and I can't bring myself to do it. If I knew my hair would turn out as beautiful as some of my friends' full grey I'd do it (looking at you, Sue). I like color in my own hair. I don't have a dedicated brand or color. I grab the box off the shelf according to my mood. I don't think I'll use this brand again, though. It smells like the Spic and Span we used to scrub the kitchen floor as kids. On our hands and knees. Uphill both ways. In the snow.

  

I have a friend, Denise, who writes very insightful posts every Sunday morning and I look forward to them each week. They make me think and sometimes giggle. She is always OK with how she is right now. If not, she does a great job hiding it. I had my own thought this week and it reminded me of something my friend would say. When you feel safe, you feel comfortable. You can BE comfortable. 

You may need to pop outside of your surroundings to find the safety you need to be comfortable. Maybe you need to create that space inside where you already exist. Create your own safe space. Create your own comfortable. Make sure you have somewhere that you can be YOU: A friend's house, a cafe open mike night, a secret social media account, a D&D club, a rock band, an Only Fans account. There's only one you. Make it a good one. 

Happy New Year

*I am one of those people who attracts mosquitos. I've also become allergic to them (and crabs, which sucks). I have 103 mosquito bites from my waist down and bruising due to the furious scratching of said bites. The scabs are coming off and the bruises are healing, but now there are scars. Age does weird things to a body, and I've noticed scars are taking an extremely long time to fade. Here's hoping Palmer's skin therapy oil works. Could be worse; I could have malaria.

 

Here we are again, Lord

Today was the first day for students at my school. It was crazy, hectic, busy, and fun. I saw a few of my kids from last year, which was nice. I didn't see TS. 😢😢 He's in another school district so I can't even spy on him. I'll miss our conversations. 

This behind-the-scenes-of-teaching job I now have is a different sort of pressure than teaching, itself. Not worse, just different. It's a lot of problem-solving which I enjoy. That's the nerd in me who solves Sudoku puzzles, plays word games, and enjoys the analytic side of math. I also like the backstage, behind the curtain stuff. I'm always checking out IMDB. I want to know how the show happens; what makes it run. I saw Phantom of the Opera twice so that the second time I could watch things formulate around the theater. This position is perfect for all of this. Trying to fit the pieces into their respective holes while putting out fires. 

Funny story: On my first day here at Park in 2018, I had a nosebleed in our back-to-school faculty meeting. Stress? Allergies? Who knows. Last week during the first back-to-school faculty meeting with a new position...nosebleed.  

It's uncomfortable being in a new place or situation. You need to find your way around and make sure you're not Godzilla destroying things in the effort. I told my friend that I felt like I was flying a plane with no lessons-just flipping switches and hoping not to crash. That's really how we get through life, isn't it? 

The most uncomfortable thing about the first day last week? My bra. Honestly. I picked and pulled at that thing all day! I went shopping for new ones and have a suggestion for retailers: Display these items by size and not by manufacturer. That way, I don't have to pick through the band-aid and string sizes to find the battle armor I need. 

My health thing for this month was a facial. It was incredibly relaxing. She asked if I was having any problems I wanted to work on. I told her, "Gravity" so she did a hydrating session. I could have stayed there all day. The little shoulder massage and the hot towel on my face was perfect. 

Dramatic reenactment: 

Remember, health doesn't need to be about doctors, pharmaceuticals, therapists, or tests. It can be indulging in something that is just for you. 

Oh! Speaking of that, my therapist and I decided that I do not need to see each other weekly and we're doing every other week. Either I'm feeling better or I've got her fooled. 

This weekend is the unofficial end of the summer. According to Walmart, that started weeks ago. Halloween, pumpkin spiced toothpaste, and fall clothing is everywhere. It's my favorite season. Summer is great for recouping some energy, but Autumn is envigorating. I know some people complain that other people push this season too early. However, after the last few years we've endured together, the world is a hot mess and we should celebrate whatever, whenever.  I'm making Irish Soda Bread this week, simply because I want to. Slainte! 

A Week of Firsts

Last week was a week of firsts for me as far as my health goes.  

On Monday I went to the dermatologist for the first time.  There were a few spots I wanted to get looked at, and since I'm approaching mid-life I wanted to add it to my list of health stuff for the year.  

I didn't know what to expect, except that I might need to get nekkid and that I had to shave.  I did the requisite shaving and steeled myself for the unknown.  

All of my areas were normal wear and tear, according to the doctor.  Actually, he said something quite hurtful.......he told me that I have Middle-Aged Skin.  What the hell, man?!  We just met!  Ugh.  He also said that he could tell I'd been naughty in the sun in my youth.  I had to agree with that one (reference the #s in my previous post).  Otherwise, I'm good to go and don't need to come back for further examination. I passed!

On Wednesday I had my first therapy appointment.  I was so nervous that I almost canceled.  I didn't know what to talk about, or what she'd want to know.  I paced for 30 minutes and logged on 15 minutes early just to make sure I was there.  I'm doing this over Zoom which is not ideal (except I don't have to wear pants).  I'm only in two places most of my time: home and work.  I was hoping to get out of those spaces and into someplace neutral for this, but it is what it is.  

My therapist is very nice and even graciously put up with my rambling.  She already gave me homework and had suggestions as to why I want to kill everyone lately.  She would like to address the issues in a short-term fashion (3-4 months) and set me loose with the tools to maintain for the long term.  

She's still in the assessing part of the sessions. I kept interrupting, I think, with my verbal diarrhea.  We discussed a host of different things.  I gave brief-ish summaries to her questions and was doing well, until any time we talked about work.  Any time that came up, I started to get teary and shut down because I didn't want to cry.  

Incredibly, with just one session, I immediately felt better.  Just that one 55 minutes had a positive impact on me, and we haven't even gotten to the heart of things.  It's almost as if Mental Health is Health.  😏

The Journey Toward Tricking My Body Into Thinking I'm Younger Than I Am

With this being the Year of Health for me, I had my first doctor's appointment today.  It was the dentist which is usually a dreaded trip, but I was determined that I would find the positive. Finding the positives was easier than I thought.  

The hygenist was someone I used to see at my former dental practice and she is great.  I knew this was going to go well.  Either the dentist chair has become super comfy, or I just needed to relax, because when she laid it back I felt great.  Legs elevated, firm but squishy support, comfy headrest. I also really like the dentist lighting they use.  You know the moving arm light they shine in your face?  It's like mood lighting.  I'd love it for the classroom. Very chill.

My last dental appointment was scheduled for the middle of March 2020.  Clearly, it did not happen, so my hygenist had her work cut out for her. I didn't even mind the metal scraping, water scraping thingy, mouth pulling, etc.  I haven't had anything like a spa experience in years so this was great. I relaxed and let someone else do the work. My teeth feel great, I was out in 30 minutes, and there was nothing wrong.

Still haven't started therapy. It's so difficult to find someone. I thought I had it but that didn't work out.  The practice called me three times to set up an appointment, but the call was always during the day when I was teaching.  I finally returned their call but haven't heard from them.  In the meantime, I've been looking elsewhere, but no luck.  I did find someone I thought would be great but she's not taking new patients.  

I have to admit I'm being picky.  Like, really picky.  I want someone who is......seasoned.  And jaded, like me.  I don't think a newly graduated youngling is the way to go for me.  I don't want happy, sunshiny, toxic positivity. I want a GenX therapist; not Millennial or GenZ  What I'd ideally like is someone to open my skull and manipulate my brain like my chiropractor does to my body.  Why isn't science working on that?

The other problem I'm running into is that all the LCSW I've found so far have 8-5 office hours.  I'm at work at 7:30 and don't get home until 5 or later.  I don't take off from school unless I absolutely need to do so.  It is far too much trouble to take off, plus with staffing shortages, it's worse now.  

Anywho........

Next up is the dermatologist in February. I'm really looking forward to that since I've never been to one before.  I'm sure I'll have issues with my skin.  Can't lay out in the sun in your youte with no sunscreen and expect to come away with no problems.  #wildwood #sunpoisoning  I'll keep you posted.