Shanah Tovah

I sat outside on this GORGEOUS Rosh Hashana and thought about what a difference a year makes. I thought about why in this year of health, September is the most healthy I've felt in quite a while. There are a few reasons why, and they're pretty basic. They had to be basic, as I have no means or fortitude to do something extravagant.

One reason was that I made a dedication to myself. That's how this started. I decided on ME. Suck it up and move on had always been my motto. That wasn't working anymore so I had to find something better. Right around this time last year is when I found it. It was just Me, all along. That sounds so stupid and self-serving and I'm OK with that.  It's what I needed.

Prior to therapy, I could not have admitted that. I would have beaten myself up for it, called myself selfish, and generally looked poorly at myself. After therapy? Don't care! Also, as a woman of a certain age...Don't care!  It's all about me, baby. OK, that's a bit much, but you get the idea. It's the O2 mask on a crashing plane concept, except I was the plane. 

Last year I reconnected (in person, no less!) with friends I hadn't seen in a while and it was great. It really was wonderful. Of course, we've stayed in contact via social media, but seeing my high school and college friends face to face was amazing. Part of this wellness kick I've been on can be attributed to them. Actually, they were the impetus. Thank you. 

Another reason I'm feeling better is that I left teaching. That was so hard. Just an unfathomably difficult decision. My therapist is a proponent of Pro/Con lists and she helped me work through this. It was quite a lopsided list so I went for it and I don't miss the classroom at all. 

I F&*@ing LOVE my job. I don't have the Sunday Scaries anymore. I don't lose sleep over other people's kids. I'm still in education and see the students every day, which was important to me. I actually look forward to going to work every single day. I have first-grade lunch duty and they are adorable. I had one girl ask me for a piece of ketchup last week. 

An additional reason for the better health, and one I find interesting, is that now my insides are taken care of, I want my outsides to match. I want to look outwardly, like I feel inwardly.  I want to tone up, wear clothes that actually fit, improve my posture, put effort (minor effort) into my hair and makeup, clean up these scars* on my legs, and in the meantime, be happy with how I am right now. 

I've got my insides medically checked out from head to toe, it's time to work on the outside. 95% of my meetings are on Zoom and I need to step it up a bit. 

I spent today giving myself a home salon day. Not as good as Salon Salon from the pics I've seen (Hi, Sarah!). I did a manicure with new nail colors for Fall, including CHOPPING THEM ALL OFF. I love short nails with dark polish in the colder months. I realize Halloween witches are supposed to have long, pointy nails, but this witch likes them short and dark. Since it's still flip-flop weather the toenails are also freshly painted. I can't stand unpainted toes in open-toed shoes. Bleh. 

The grey is covered again. Every other month I contemplate just letting it all go grey and I can't bring myself to do it. If I knew my hair would turn out as beautiful as some of my friends' full grey I'd do it (looking at you, Sue). I like color in my own hair. I don't have a dedicated brand or color. I grab the box off the shelf according to my mood. I don't think I'll use this brand again, though. It smells like the Spic and Span we used to scrub the kitchen floor as kids. On our hands and knees. Uphill both ways. In the snow.

  

I have a friend, Denise, who writes very insightful posts every Sunday morning and I look forward to them each week. They make me think and sometimes giggle. She is always OK with how she is right now. If not, she does a great job hiding it. I had my own thought this week and it reminded me of something my friend would say. When you feel safe, you feel comfortable. You can BE comfortable. 

You may need to pop outside of your surroundings to find the safety you need to be comfortable. Maybe you need to create that space inside where you already exist. Create your own safe space. Create your own comfortable. Make sure you have somewhere that you can be YOU: A friend's house, a cafe open mike night, a secret social media account, a D&D club, a rock band, an Only Fans account. There's only one you. Make it a good one. 

Happy New Year

*I am one of those people who attracts mosquitos. I've also become allergic to them (and crabs, which sucks). I have 103 mosquito bites from my waist down and bruising due to the furious scratching of said bites. The scabs are coming off and the bruises are healing, but now there are scars. Age does weird things to a body, and I've noticed scars are taking an extremely long time to fade. Here's hoping Palmer's skin therapy oil works. Could be worse; I could have malaria.

 

The Journey Toward Tricking My Body Into Thinking I'm Younger Than I Am

With this being the Year of Health for me, I had my first doctor's appointment today.  It was the dentist which is usually a dreaded trip, but I was determined that I would find the positive. Finding the positives was easier than I thought.  

The hygenist was someone I used to see at my former dental practice and she is great.  I knew this was going to go well.  Either the dentist chair has become super comfy, or I just needed to relax, because when she laid it back I felt great.  Legs elevated, firm but squishy support, comfy headrest. I also really like the dentist lighting they use.  You know the moving arm light they shine in your face?  It's like mood lighting.  I'd love it for the classroom. Very chill.

My last dental appointment was scheduled for the middle of March 2020.  Clearly, it did not happen, so my hygenist had her work cut out for her. I didn't even mind the metal scraping, water scraping thingy, mouth pulling, etc.  I haven't had anything like a spa experience in years so this was great. I relaxed and let someone else do the work. My teeth feel great, I was out in 30 minutes, and there was nothing wrong.

Still haven't started therapy. It's so difficult to find someone. I thought I had it but that didn't work out.  The practice called me three times to set up an appointment, but the call was always during the day when I was teaching.  I finally returned their call but haven't heard from them.  In the meantime, I've been looking elsewhere, but no luck.  I did find someone I thought would be great but she's not taking new patients.  

I have to admit I'm being picky.  Like, really picky.  I want someone who is......seasoned.  And jaded, like me.  I don't think a newly graduated youngling is the way to go for me.  I don't want happy, sunshiny, toxic positivity. I want a GenX therapist; not Millennial or GenZ  What I'd ideally like is someone to open my skull and manipulate my brain like my chiropractor does to my body.  Why isn't science working on that?

The other problem I'm running into is that all the LCSW I've found so far have 8-5 office hours.  I'm at work at 7:30 and don't get home until 5 or later.  I don't take off from school unless I absolutely need to do so.  It is far too much trouble to take off, plus with staffing shortages, it's worse now.  

Anywho........

Next up is the dermatologist in February. I'm really looking forward to that since I've never been to one before.  I'm sure I'll have issues with my skin.  Can't lay out in the sun in your youte with no sunscreen and expect to come away with no problems.  #wildwood #sunpoisoning  I'll keep you posted.