(M)ay is For...

(M)ental Health: May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I hope you are willing and able to check in with the people you love and please check in with yourself.  There's no shame in it.  On average, 1 in 5 people experience mental health issues. It may be temporary. It may be long-term. It may be nothing. Wouldn't it be nice to know? End the stigma.

(M)ani-pedi: This is the first month this year that I haven't had a doctor appointment. Instead I chose to treat myself to a trip to the salon. La Cure in North East, MD is my favorite. I've never had a bad experience there, and this was no exception. Spa music, muted tones on the walls, bubbling water, and that chair. It's the whole reason I go. Sure, the self-care behind it is a plus, and my feet no longer look like I've been walking barefoot my entire life....but that massage chair.  It hits all the right spots. I end up with bruises on my back but it hurts so good.

(M)ask: In addition to my mani-pedi, I also tried a mask.  I don't do needles well so in place of collagen shots I thought I'd try this.  My inaugural attempt was a mess, but this one worked out well.  Believe it or not, masks do work. My face feels better and looks a bit lifted for a few days. It's also a great excuse to lay in bed and read for 20 mins.  Can't do dishes-I've got a mask.  Can't flip the laundry-I've got a mask. Want me to commit a crime? Sure thing-I've got a mask. 

(M)indfulness: My therapist and I have been talking about mindfulness and how to incorporate it into my day. I've been working on it at school when things seem to be coming apart. By the end of the week, Mindfulness turns into Apathy and I give up trying to reign in the crazy. However, the other day brought some success.  I was in a hurry to get errands done and hopped into the car to check the next thing off my list. Generally I turn the car on, turn the radio on, click the seatbelt and peal out of the parking lot. When I left Kohls the other day, something caused me to stop and look. 

A man parked in front of me got out of his car and removed his newborn son from the back seat. He was so new and very tiny curled up on Dad's chest. Next Dad opened the hatch to get something out.  I waited and was going to offer help if he needed another hand.  He then walked around to the passenger side and helped Mom up out of the car.  Clearly this baby was brand new because Mom was walking like it still hurt to move.  

This awesome husband/father/KING did everything he could to make life easier for Mom. He was so gentle and loving and I sat there in the moment and enjoyed this. That's being mindful. Tap the brakes, and take in the scene. 

(M)om: Moms will never stop momming. At least mine won't. I spent the weekend downashore (#IYKYK) and hung out with my parents. I offered to treat them to lunch, dinner, a ballgame, and she wouldn't allow any of it. She also cooked a delish pork dinner and has a picture of my artwork hanging on the fridge. I hope you all have a mom like this. 

(M)iddle Ages: While 1644 is not technically the Middle Ages (it's the Renaissance), this is where Justice Alito would have us return to keep his faith and conscience in tact. Let's go back 378 years to address a modern-day subject. Know what else they were doing in the 1600's? Treatments of illnesses with lead and mercury, and witch hunts. LITERAL witch hunts. Complete with burning stakes. Sure, let's go back there. 

(M)onkeypox: SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WTH?! 

Next month it's back to the doctor appointments with two very special trips (insert sarcasm font here). Can't wait to tell you about them. TW: There will be TMI.  Oh! And jury duty. Awesome. 

April's Foray Into Health

TL;DR:  Find a different hair place, optometrists are the best, good juju is needed, teaching is hard, therapy is good.

This month I took two strides toward improving my health.  The first was a hair appointment and the second was an optometrist appointment.  Both were supposed to be a relaxing experience. The eye doctor is always a treat, the hair appointment, not so much.

I wasn't sure what I wanted as far as style or color and really just wanted her to make the decision based on her skills and knowledge. I always color my own hair but decided to let her do it. Just do whatever you think would work for me.  I want to lay back and relax.

Not to sound like a PITA, but she would not stop talking.  She talked so much that she became distracted with what she was doing, asked three different times for the color I chose, sent an email during my appointment, talked so long to the woman she took while my hair was processing that she got further distracted and my entire hair appointment took over 2.5 hours.  And the salon plays country music. 

Wah. I know I sound like a complainer but I wanted to be quietly pampered. Do I like how my hair turned out? Yes. I like the cut and color and it was nice not doing it myself. Was I as relaxed as I'd hoped? No. I guess I was looking for the spa experience but on a teacher's budget. I'll know for next time. 

Now, the eye doctor, that's a whole different story.  I absolutely LOVE going to that doctor. It is seriously the most relaxing thing in the universe outside of actual sleep. You can't even count on sleep being peaceful, but the eye doctor? Oh yeah. It's quiet, dark, you only need to answer with a number or letter...I may have even fallen asleep for a sec. Luckily I stayed awake and my eyes are healthy and the left eye has even improved some. 

The fun part is picking out the new glasses.  My current frames broke irreparably so I needed new ones. I choose red:

Speaking of decisions, I need any and all good juju you have laying around. I'm processing the upcoming school year. Like the Clash, should I stay or should I go? I know what I think, but is it the right choice?  Can I do another year like this one? Am I too old to begin anew? You'd think the panic attack at work two weeks ago and the chest pains that followed until Spring Break would be a clue. 

Honestly, I have applied to a few jobs outside of my current one. I'm not looking to leave my school necessarily, so if I don't get something else, I'm sure I'll be fine staying where I am. The group of educators I work with is fierce. 

There is one position, in particular, I am quite interested in getting. It would allow me to stay in education, coach current teachers, work at the university level, and pay for future degrees. It would allow me to become that liaison between current educators and policymakers.  That is a dream job, for me. Education policy is what I've become very interested in, lately. I can't passively sit aside anymore and continue to let things happen to us. There are changes to be made, and making them from inside the classroom is not possible.  

Anywho...let me just push that soapbox back under the couch. 

Being on Spring Break this week has been great.  I could easily slide into retirement. I even took a week off from my therapist. Funny that I didn't need to see her when I'm not at work. Have you found a counselor yet? I highly suggest it. Even if it's for a short time. You may think it to be nonsense and balderdash, but it's good for you. 

See you next month for another riveting account of my life. 

The Nether Yay-ya and a Possible Change

Welcome back to "Things I didn't really want to know about this girl."  This month's health update is brought to you by the letters G Y N. 

It's been so long since I've been to that doctor that the first thing she said upon walking into the room was, "So why haven't you been to the doctor in 20 years?"  Um.  'Cause I don't use it often and I've never rented the womb out to anyone?  'Cause I'm very very lucky to be so healthy?  'Cause I just kept putting it off?  All unacceptable answers. 

It wasn't as bad as I anticipated, of course.  She's a lovely woman and a former middle school teacher.  Although, she did tell me to get a colonoscopy due to my advanced years.  And not the talking box on television, but a real colonoscopy.  Everything looked good and she thanked me for staying in the profession.  That made me feel nice.  Like I was appreciated.  

Yeah.  About that. 

This is my classroom by the numbers:

9 students, 3 grade levels, 7 push-in rooms, 2 languages, 4 disability classifications, 6 curriculums, 5 behavior charts, 28 IEP goals.  (Edited to add: 11 students, 33 IEP goals)

This isn't to brag or toot any horns.  This is to show you what goes on in classrooms across the country.  This is only part of the reason why teachers are burnt out and leaving.  Throw in challenging behaviors, minimal support from home, district admin/DOE not having an idea what actually goes on in classrooms...I could go on.  It's a recipe for therapy.  

I have much to think about.  Do I want to keep doing this to myself?  Do I want to put up with all the negative for very little positive?  I thought I was doing this for the rest of my working days.  Now I'm not sure.  The catalyst for this change of heart, the straw that broke this camel's back, was a meeting on Friday that I still can't let go of.  I'm still irritated.  I still get upset when I think about it or talk about it. 

That Student, for those who follow along on the Facebook, is quite a struggling learner.  I am supplementing his fourth-grade math with 1st-grade math. He is unable to do this work independently. I asked him last week to solve 0-0.  He told me it's 5.  In an effort to make his life easier, I requested we apply for modified curriculum and alternative assessments during this year's IEP meeting.

In order for this to happen, you have to meet certain criteria.  He meets the criteria of a cognitive struggle, but because he's socially competent and can take care of his basic needs, he does not qualify. 

The child who asked me if we were playing bingo, WHILE WE WERE PLAYING BINGO, the child who asked how to hold up 14 fingers, the child who can not solve 1st grade math problems as a 4th grader, does not qualify for modified curriculum, because a piece of paper said so.  A checklist, a piece of paper, knows more about what my kid needs than I do. Some random person, who probably hasn't been in the classroom in years (if ever) created a checklist that knows more about my kid than I do.  

To add insult to injury, That Student's mom, who was at home Zooming in to this meeting, was watching TV throughout the meeting.  We were discussing the possibility of her child not pursuing the diploma track and she was watching TV.  

Why am I even here?  Why am I even doing this?  Clearly they should be paying the checklist my salary, and if I have no concern/interest from the parent, what's the point...............I want to scream.

I'm tired. I don't want to struggle for other people's kids anymore.  I'm tired of doing all the work.  I'm tired of the parent apathy.  I'm sick of the higher-ups being more concerned about math posters and pacing than the well-being of the students. I'm tired of being selfless and "doing it for the kids."  I'm tired of advocating for my kids and getting no results.  I'm sick to death of challenging behaviors occurring daily and no real consequences being leveled.  We are setting some of these kids up for failure and nobody seems to see it.  

I did some exploring on Indeed last night and there are several options in the areas I'm interested.  Of course I need to finish out the school year so that gives me time to weigh things out and decide what I truly want to do.  I did briefly consider Starbucks barista and Wawa employee, but I'd eventually weigh 400 lbs. and spend my salary on product.

So much to think about. Any and all opinions are welcome. This is not a decision I will take lightly.

Anyway...my gynecological tests came back negative for all things icky. Shout out to my parents for giving me such healthy DNA.  

A Week of Firsts

Last week was a week of firsts for me as far as my health goes.  

On Monday I went to the dermatologist for the first time.  There were a few spots I wanted to get looked at, and since I'm approaching mid-life I wanted to add it to my list of health stuff for the year.  

I didn't know what to expect, except that I might need to get nekkid and that I had to shave.  I did the requisite shaving and steeled myself for the unknown.  

All of my areas were normal wear and tear, according to the doctor.  Actually, he said something quite hurtful.......he told me that I have Middle-Aged Skin.  What the hell, man?!  We just met!  Ugh.  He also said that he could tell I'd been naughty in the sun in my youth.  I had to agree with that one (reference the #s in my previous post).  Otherwise, I'm good to go and don't need to come back for further examination. I passed!

On Wednesday I had my first therapy appointment.  I was so nervous that I almost canceled.  I didn't know what to talk about, or what she'd want to know.  I paced for 30 minutes and logged on 15 minutes early just to make sure I was there.  I'm doing this over Zoom which is not ideal (except I don't have to wear pants).  I'm only in two places most of my time: home and work.  I was hoping to get out of those spaces and into someplace neutral for this, but it is what it is.  

My therapist is very nice and even graciously put up with my rambling.  She already gave me homework and had suggestions as to why I want to kill everyone lately.  She would like to address the issues in a short-term fashion (3-4 months) and set me loose with the tools to maintain for the long term.  

She's still in the assessing part of the sessions. I kept interrupting, I think, with my verbal diarrhea.  We discussed a host of different things.  I gave brief-ish summaries to her questions and was doing well, until any time we talked about work.  Any time that came up, I started to get teary and shut down because I didn't want to cry.  

Incredibly, with just one session, I immediately felt better.  Just that one 55 minutes had a positive impact on me, and we haven't even gotten to the heart of things.  It's almost as if Mental Health is Health.  😏

The Journey Toward Tricking My Body Into Thinking I'm Younger Than I Am

With this being the Year of Health for me, I had my first doctor's appointment today.  It was the dentist which is usually a dreaded trip, but I was determined that I would find the positive. Finding the positives was easier than I thought.  

The hygenist was someone I used to see at my former dental practice and she is great.  I knew this was going to go well.  Either the dentist chair has become super comfy, or I just needed to relax, because when she laid it back I felt great.  Legs elevated, firm but squishy support, comfy headrest. I also really like the dentist lighting they use.  You know the moving arm light they shine in your face?  It's like mood lighting.  I'd love it for the classroom. Very chill.

My last dental appointment was scheduled for the middle of March 2020.  Clearly, it did not happen, so my hygenist had her work cut out for her. I didn't even mind the metal scraping, water scraping thingy, mouth pulling, etc.  I haven't had anything like a spa experience in years so this was great. I relaxed and let someone else do the work. My teeth feel great, I was out in 30 minutes, and there was nothing wrong.

Still haven't started therapy. It's so difficult to find someone. I thought I had it but that didn't work out.  The practice called me three times to set up an appointment, but the call was always during the day when I was teaching.  I finally returned their call but haven't heard from them.  In the meantime, I've been looking elsewhere, but no luck.  I did find someone I thought would be great but she's not taking new patients.  

I have to admit I'm being picky.  Like, really picky.  I want someone who is......seasoned.  And jaded, like me.  I don't think a newly graduated youngling is the way to go for me.  I don't want happy, sunshiny, toxic positivity. I want a GenX therapist; not Millennial or GenZ  What I'd ideally like is someone to open my skull and manipulate my brain like my chiropractor does to my body.  Why isn't science working on that?

The other problem I'm running into is that all the LCSW I've found so far have 8-5 office hours.  I'm at work at 7:30 and don't get home until 5 or later.  I don't take off from school unless I absolutely need to do so.  It is far too much trouble to take off, plus with staffing shortages, it's worse now.  

Anywho........

Next up is the dermatologist in February. I'm really looking forward to that since I've never been to one before.  I'm sure I'll have issues with my skin.  Can't lay out in the sun in your youte with no sunscreen and expect to come away with no problems.  #wildwood #sunpoisoning  I'll keep you posted.

No New Year Resolution For Me

I decided to not make any resolutions for 2022. I typically don't keep them past January anyway. I forget or get sidetracked or just give up.  This year I decided to have a Word of the Year and that will be my focus. A theme for the year, I guess.  My word is HEALTH. 

I neglect my health constantly, shrugging off things as no big deal, or I'll get to it later.  I'm not big on going to the doctor, especially if I know what's wrong or it's something small.  There are people in life who need to see a doctor for more serious matters and that's who should be going.  I feel like I'm taking up space.

Recently something has prompted me to take a better look at myself and my health. Is it because of the pandemic?  No.  Is it because I suddenly feel like I'm important?  No. I still feel selfish for bugging professionals with my measly medical needs.  Is it because I'm old?  Probably.  I also blame mirrors.

I don't remember the last time I had a physical. I haven't been to the dentist since before March 2020 (I was slated to go in March, then everything shut down). My nether eh-ya? HA!  

So over the last two weeks, I bit the bullet and made some appointments. I have the dentist in January, the dermatologist in February, the GYN in March, the eye doctor in April, and of course, the Semi-Annual Boob Squish in the summer.  Those appointments were all easy to make.  The final appointment I needed took me about a month of working up the courage. 

I tout mental health on my Facebook page and am an advocate for it.  Mental Health is health.  I'm not ashamed that I take medication daily to help keep me sane.  I work with a population of students who often require medication to help them navigate through life.  They all know I take mine every day and so they should be taking theirs.  So why was making an appointment with a therapist so difficult for me?

It came down to being perceived as feeling needy, or that my problems were so much less than other people's problems.  There are seriously mentally ill people in our world and I should just be thankful that I'm not suffering like they are.  Those are the people who need the help.  Not me. 

Then I reflected on how I've been feeling lately, and it's not good.  "Suck it up and move on" wasn't working anymore.  Depression and anger were staying around longer than normal. Everything was irritating. I didn't want to be bothered by anyone. I wanted to be left alone.  I was forgetting things.  I stopped painting. It occurred to me that this was something more than being in a funk. 

After a few weeks of research and bribing myself to make contact, I got in touch with a local group of therapists to set up an appointment.  They have a 4-week waiting list and I'm OK with that.  I am not a danger to myself or others (except slow drivers in the left lane on 95). Just having made that first step already has me feeling better. 

My point with all this is that your health includes your mental health.  Don't forget that.  Maybe even start there.  Take stock of how you've been feeling lately. Don't dismiss it as "just the pandemic" or "just the holidays."  COVID isn't going anywhere and there's always a holiday.

Take time for yourself. You are important. You matter. Stop worrying about what other people think. If you are reading this, you are important to me. My DMs are open if you need to slide in and vent and use all caps to scream and yell about something. No judgment. 

Happy New Year! 💕

Dear Parents

Typically, when I say "Dear Parents" it's followed by some complaint in an exasperated tone. Dear Parents: Stop sending your kids to school with a fever.  Dear Parents: It is not the first day of school. Learn the car line procedures. Dear Parents: Scream 2 is not appropriate for your 1st grader.

Today, my "Dear Parents" is a question.  It's something that as a cat mom I don't comprehend.

Dear Parents: How do you watch your kids struggle with something that you can't help them with?  How do you do it?  Knowing that you've done all you can, but obstacles to helping them stand in your way, how do you let go and hope for the best? 

I have two students with several mental health needs. Because I can't get into specifics, I'll just say that there are many barriers preventing me from doing everything I can to help them.  It's so damn frustrating!  I know it's not my job to fix them, but at the same time, it's my job to fix them. 

I just want to scream and yell at these obstacles, "Do this!" and "Stop doing that!" Since I am unable to do this, I do what I can to make it better.  It's never enough.  I can't do enough to change things and make it better.  It's driving me insane.

My classroom checks off all of the "required elements" of a behavior support classroom (or any classroom, TBH).  I've done all the things teachers are told to do by those super-educators.  I have positive relationships with the kids, token economies, praise, structure, routines, and communication.  The problem is, my room has become an emotional support classroom.

I spent a few hours last night reading articles about how to successfully maintain a trauma-informed classroom.  I need to know how to help my kids heal, and manage their difficulties.  I need to step up for them.  I HIGHLY recommend taking a look at Edutopia.com under the Mental Health topic section.  The website is run by the George Lucas Educational Foundation, so it gets extra nerd points from me. 

Today I went in with a new attitude, ready to make things better.  Ready to fix things.  First up-rearrange the room and make a few new areas.  We have a new student starting on Monday, so I wanted to get all this new stuff going prior to his arrival.  I OBSESSED over this for a better part of the day.  I drove my poor para crazy because I wouldn't let it go.  She just shook her head and waited for me to come to my senses.  Like that's gonna happen. 

Desks were here...now they're here.  That table?  I don't like it where it is, but I don't know where to put it.  Robbed a desk from Peter to pay Paul.  Put things in bins, moved boxes, made new signs, and threw stuff away.  Then I paced the room because something's still not right, and I just can't put my finger on it.  It's not going to be right. 

I can't fix it.  I'm trying to fix or change the environment because I can't fix the problems.  I'm putting band-aids on stuff when surgery is needed.  There are things impacting our classroom that are out of my control, and I can't stand it.  

So it's goes back to my question: Knowing that you've done everything that can be done, but it's still not enough, how do you watch your kids struggle with something that you can't help them with?  

God bless you, parents, for your sleepless nights, grey hairs, wrinkles, tears, ulcers, mild alcoholism, and stress headaches.  To me, you are heroes.