That Kid

Quickie blog post for now.  That Kid...his mom requested a conference for this morning @9.  She requested this yesterday, Sunday, at 8:30 in the morning.  The ONLY parent to request a conference.  I've called in backup.  Keep you posted.  

NaNoWriMo - Not for the weak

I've missed a blog post or two due to the end of the marking period and grades. November 1 also started the yearly NaNoWriMo attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Instead of writing a blog post, I've attached an excerpt from this year's attempt. It's a first draft, so it's a hot mess. Ignore the inconsistencies. It's cathartic, which is what I planned.

I was actually told about TK when I had my interview for this job. I knew a lot about him before I started. Believe it or not he used to be worse. He would get into physical fights with other kids in class, constantly curse, run out of the classroom (as opposed to now where he casually walks out) destroy the room, show unsafe behaviors like climbing on top of cabinets like a cat, etc.  He was never in the classroom because he either left or was kicked out. That wasn't just the homeroom, that was all places-special, lunch, etc. He's also been kicked out of another school in the state, this school's daycare, suspended from his current daycare, and is not allowed to ride the bus. His mother thinks it's the schools in DE that are the problems. When she took her precious boy to West VA last year and enrolled him in school, there were no problems at all. He was perfectly fine. How long was he there?  THREE damn weeks. It was still the honeymoon period, of course he was fine. Duh. I'll never understand these "not my child" parents. I think either they don't pay attention to their own kids so they have no idea how they really are, or they see nothing wrong with the child's behavior because that behavior is acceptable in the house. They're fine with letting Timmy cursing in any environment. That's just how he expresses himself. It's OK that he curses at people and calls them names. He's just standing up for himself and not backing down from "abusers." It doesn't matter if it's adults or people in authority. No one is better than anyone else. Just writing these words actually makes me feels a little giddy.  I'm just imagining his future. It's going to suck. It's really going to suck. Karma has a way of evening everything out. I can't wait for this. I actually wonder about this. You know when you die they say your whole life flashes in front of you. I wonder if it's everything or just the highlight reel. Also certain religions believe that after death, upon arriving in Heaven you will know all. That's what I'm looking forward to. I'm looking forward to seeing if certain people got their comeuppance. I want to be able for people to know what they've don't to others. I want to know who really shot JFK, how the pyramids were built, and how long have the aliens been visiting. I can't wait for people to see their lives so they can be proven wrong.  So that they can see others were correct about them and their situations and THEY were in fact the assholes in the situation. I know it's so petty and juvenile and unChristian-like but it what keeps me going on the toughest days. I'm looking forward to it being a holy "I told you so." Of course, that will probably happen to me as well because I can be a real bitch. It's so much more difficult to write about TK when he's not in front of me acting like a fool. I think it really is all for attention and he can control it. There were two times this year that I heard him be completely silent. Not a sound, word, movement, or teeth suck. The first time was when he came back from his other classroom and was in the room alone. I don't know where my sub was but he was nowhere around.  The room was completely quiet and TK was sitting there on his laptop playing a game in silence. NO talking to the game, no play by play actions, no cursing, banging, jumping up and down. That never started up until after I had sat down at my desk to get some work done. Then it all came out like diarrhea of the mouth. The second time was when he had to take the bus home because daycare suspended him. I asked him several times why he was taking the bus and if this was going to be a new thing from now on. He hemmed and hawed around that answer every time I tried to talk to him about it. He finally came up with a story by the end of the day that someone else had gotten him in trouble so he had to travel by bus. That lasted a week I think. Anyway, I walked the kids out to the bus and we wait for his.  BTW he has no idea his bus number. Does not remember what bus he rode in on in the morning and doesn't recognize any of the other kids he rode with. Awesome. The entire time he waited for his bus to arrive, he was quiet. So quiet I forgot he was out there. Every other kid is loud and fidgety waiting to go home, but he just sort of blended in to the background. Sure there were lots of people to perform for, but he didn't know any of them. His adoring fans weren't around. He was in a new and different situation and was taken aback. So it is possible. He can behave and keep quiet. He chooses not to.

Voices Carry

Except that they don't.  At least that's what I'm finding about the caregivers of people with chronic illnesses.  

Chronic illnesses are often invisible illnesses.  There are typically no outward signs of Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Pain/Fatigue Syndrome, Dimentia, HIV/AIDS, etc.   Our Spoonie friends and family generally don't look sick.  As anyone who struggles with a chronic illness can tell you, they are sick, and they do need help.  That's where we come in->the caregivers. 

Caregivers of Spoonies are loved ones, friends, or family members that help out and pick up the slack when our person runs out of spoons.  That could be anything from an encouraging word or understanding ear, to washing the dishes, running errands, and babysitting.  By 'slack' I don't mean that our friends are slackers.  If anything, they truly wish they were able to do things for themselves. The one thing I hear constantly from my Spoonie is "I'm sorry (I didn't finish the laundry; I slept all day; the trash needs to go out; I didn't get to the store)." 

In those cases, it's up to the caregiver to step in and get it done.  Generally, not a big deal.  However, combine that with everything else you normally do and it may seem a bit stressful.  Especially if there's a bad flair up which goes on for an extended period of time.  My Spoonie's way of dealing with things like this is mainly talk therapy.  Sure, he occasionally sees a therapist (when he's felling well-she's actually taken to calling him at home for sessions), but his main talk therapist is me.  His Significant Other.  

As his SO, not only do I get to do my stuff, I get to do his stuff from time to time, and I get to listen to every infinitesimal thing that is bothering him.  He's also a bit of a narcissist, so virtually everyone/everything that isn't like him bothers him.  He got mad at me one day and wanted to know why I never ask how he's doing.  I shot back with, "I never ask, because you always tell me. I never have to wonder." 

I'm getting to the point.  Hang on. 

Because the stigma is slowly being lifted, people with chronic illnesses are more open to talking about their condition, what's wrong, and how it's affecting them.  Before, the standard answer was, "I'm fine." Now we have websites and social media accounts specifically for these issues.  I've read articles like What Spoonies Wish You Knew and Ways to Know You're a Spoonie.  It's a wonderful thing and should be talked about without humiliation.

But what I'm not seeing is what it's like for the caregivers.  

That's my point.

When I bring this up, I hear nothing back.  If I ask a question in a FB group, the only response I get is from Spoonies, not caregivers.  When I opened my own FB group, people thought is was for Spoonies.  I've asked questions on other FB groups and could hear a pin drop.  Why don't the caregivers want to speak up? 

As the spouse of a Spoonie, I know it's difficult. I know how tough it is.  I GET IT.  What I want to know is do others get it?  Am I the only one who feels like they're running out of spoons, also?  

No one will admit it.  No one will say that they are tired: tired of doing more than their share; tired of dealing with other people's problems in addition to (or in place of) their own; tired of what seems to be the SSDD.  Why?  Are not everyone's issues important?

Maybe it's guilt.  Caregivers usually are not dealing with pain, fatigue, depression, etc., so perhaps it's the remorse of complaining about your own problems when someone you love is suffering worse.  Or seemingly worse.

Maybe it's shame.  Are caregivers ashamed of their workload?  Are they ashamed of their Spoonie?  Are they concerned by what others might think about the situation?

Maybe they're so used to just plowing through (suck it up and move on, as I say) that they don't think about it.  Is it easier not to think about it?  Just push it down and ignore?  

Speak up! It's OK to be any or all of the following: mad, furious, sad, despondent, confused, lacking, annoyed, irritated, tired, exhausted, fed up, alone, not understood.

Caregiver mental health is important, too.  We need breaks, naps, food, meds, space, the occasional tequila shot, water, massages, therapy, shouting, yoga, prayer, and love.  If we don't allow for this, we may end up like our Spoonie brethren and then who would take care of us?  Self-care is not selfish.  

Breathe in.....breathe out. 

Why Don't You Go Live on Hoth, You Freak!

I really have nothing to post about this week, except how %&Y@@*#^)$ COLD it is in this school.  

The county controls the heat/air from a central location, and it's on a schedule.  On Date A the air is turned on and on Date B the heat switch is flipped.  There is no controlling the air temp in the individual classroom.  When it's very hot, we can't adjust the temp accordingly, and when it's freezing the nipples off a dog, we can't turn the heat on yet.  

"They" say the heat switch will be flipped on Monday.  Until then, we're bundled up because the AIR CONDITIONERS ARE STILL RUNNING.  When I print to the desktop printer in my room, steam comes off the papers as they come out.  I'm thinking of crawling inside the printer like a Tauntaun.  I realize this is a first world problem, but right now it's irritating.  For now I'm going to make a cup of coffee and hope to get lukewarm.  Get it?

Lovin' Spoonful

I had originally planned to write about the sadness and irritation I felt on Monday, October 8 as Phil Collins' last concert tour rolled through Philly without me.  I intended 100% to purchase tickets to this event as Phil Collins, to me, is god-like.  I just love him.  Love Genesis.  Love Peter Gabriel.  You get it. I didn't buy those tix because the day they went on sale was the day I was told I was being recommended for termination.  Termination from a job I'd had for 17 years.  I'd not felt the need to buy those tix as I was in full panic mode then subsequently experienced the multiple stages of grief; the anger and depression stages hitting me the hardest.

I put off this week's blog because honestly I'd forgotten to do it Tuesday and then Wednesday all hell broke lose at work and I was so pissed I couldn't think that night.  Thursday night the Eagles were on and I can't watch the game and think coherently at the same time, so now here we are...Friday afternoon...with three minutes of teacher planning left.  I should probably pee while I have the chance.

And now it's Monday night. Where does the time go?

I was then going to write this post about what a crappy day this past Wednesday was.  Actually, I did.  I spent a good chunk of time on it and when I went to hit Publish, it was gone.  Poof.  Maybe I wasn't meant to bitch and complain about how nobody seems to be doing their job, and how that is making it difficult for my husband and I.  But I digress.

Instead I've decided to write a post about something that has nothing to do with school.  I'd like to take a minute (or 5) to talk about Spoonies.  Spoonies are not things you eat soupies with, BTW.

Spoon Theory was coined by Christine Miserandino to describe the difficulties of living every day with a debilitating illness.  Please take the time to read this article.  It'll take just two minutes.  I'll wait.

OK.  So being a spoonie is tough.  It sucks because it stems from one of those invisible illnesses.  For spoonies, the phrase "but you don't look sick" is debilitating in itself.  Stop saying that to people.

Our spoonie brethren are exhausted, hurting, lonely, angry, depressed, anxious, guilt-ridden, sad, and generally overwhelmed.  They feel like no one understands.  They feel like their concerns are being ignored because others can't see what's wrong with them.  If there's no outward indications that a problem is occurring, then there's nothing wrong.  Right? 

If they're lucky to have someone, spoonies can count on relatives and friends to help them out.  The caregiver is there for physical and emotional support, running errands, providing a listening ear, offering suggestions/solutions, completing chores, giving reassurances, etc. That said, being a spoonie caregiver can be difficult as well.  As with any illness, whether it be cancer, fibromyalgia, MS, or any number of diseases, the caregiver is responsible for many additional duties.  Often this is done out of love; sometimes it's done out of necessity.

Sometimes, the caregivers get to a point that they need help themselves.  They need a break from the day-to-day caring for their loved one.  Quite often, they're in it alone.  Others think, "Oh him?  He looks fine. He's just milking it so she'll wait on him."  "There's nothing wrong with her.  She was at the mall last week walking around for an hour."  This leads to little to no offers to help out, and no one for the caregiver to turn to when in need.

I live with a spoonie.  Luckily, it's not drastic and most days are good.  I know others have it way worse than I have it. There are days, however, when I never see him because he's in bed...still...when I've been at work all day...and the dishes aren't done...and I have work I brought home to do...and the trash has to go out...and the cat threw up on the carpet...I should stop now.  I've spent a lot of time alone.  I've gone to family functions (including Thanksgiving at his sister's house) without him.  I've missed parties, concerts, games.  We can't make plans for anything because he never knows how he's going to feel.  There are chores around the house that either don't get done, or get put off for weeks, months, and years.   We don't go on vacation. Spoonies and their caregivers learn to live with all this.  But man, sometimes it makes me want to scream. 

But I don't.

I can't scream for several reasons.  1. He can't take loud noises.  2. It's not fair to him~he already feels guilty enough for something he has no control over.  3. I'm too tired to scream.  4. It's easier to suck it up and move on.  5. No one other than another spoonie caregiver could understand.  I went looking for spoonie support groups.  Couldn't find one.  Edit: I couldn't find one that met my needs.  So I'm starting my own.

I've never created a Facebook group, or any group for that matter. Neither am I one to talk about, or display, my emotions.  Ask my mother.  "Everything's fine."   I thought, though, multiple people could use this as an outlet and maybe connect with others in the same situation.  Remember, there's strength in numbers.

Here's the deal. This is going to be a group where spoonie caregivers can share, commiserate, bitch, moan, and complain.  We need to be able to support each other in a non-judgemental setting.  It's OK if you feel overwhelmed. Tell us.  It's OK if you have questions about where to go for specific illnesses, treatments others have tried, or websites to research.  Ask us.  It's OK if you woke up at 2:00 in the morning on a random Tuesday crying because you just want to scream your head off in frustration.  Put that caps lock on and let loose.  Judgement-free zone.  

Here's the page:  Spoonie Significant Others https://www.facebook.com/groups/998290870355530/

Come check it out.  It just went live.  Thank you.  😁

They do exist!

I can't believe it.  We're a little over a month into the year.  I'd convinced myself this would never happen.  They all told me it would never happen.  Couldn't possibly happen without an act of God.  That kid..you know him...all teachers have had him (or her) a few times...that kid----------was absent.
*cue angelic hosts singing Hallelujah

We had the best day of this year so far.  My other student with behavior issues had a near-perfect day.  Kid 1 wasn't there for him to be a distraction and partner in crime.  We had a calm, quiet, fun day.  I felt like a real teacher today, actually getting students caught up on curriculum and taking some grades as well.  I was a teacher, not a babysitter.

It's amazing how one student can cause so much disruption.  One student's words, sounds, actions, attitude, effort, noise can cause such upheaval.  I'm either trying to deal with him and his behaviors and ignoring the rest of the class, or I'm giving him work to do on his own-basically teaching himself-and trying to teach the others.

Academically, he's fine.  He's on grade-level and may even be slightly above in some areas.  It's only his behavior that keeps him in my classroom.  Any time he's in trouble, it's always the adult's fault.  We're racists and liars.  We're trying to get him into trouble.  We call him names.  We talk about him.  I know we can't say this to the parents, but if this kid was even just slightly medicated he'd be able to be successful in the regular ed setting.

The Powers That Be tell me I'm doing a great job with this class.  I feel I'm only doing an OK job.  I still feel like a fish out of water.  Interims are coming up and I know I don't have everything I need. On a good note, I don't need to do IEP interim reports.  First time in 5 or 6 years!  Woo hoo!

Is it wrong to hope that he's out again tomorrow?

Bad Moon Rising

I see the bad moon arising / I see trouble on the way / I see earthquakes and lightnin’ / I see bad times today.  ~John Fogerty

Holy shit, if this doesn't describe my classroom today.  Maybe, also, dumpster fire.  That may work as well.  I follow Fixing Education (@WhyTeaching) on Twitter and this Tweet today nailed it: "One of my biggest struggles is having to keep from screaming profanities at my students."  When I stumbled into the lunch room at 12:30 after being called a bitch in Spanish (like I don't know what 'puta' means), I googled the moon phases.  Oh yeah, there it is, full moon. 

Why?!  Why does that have impact on people?  It's not just teachers.  Ask any nurse in any hospital and they'll tell you the same thing.  I understand the whole moon phase/tides thing, but for the love of God, could we manage to not let it control us as well?  Oy!

I'm not proud of the way I acted today, specifically this morning.  I owe a kid an apology.  No matter what he did, it's no excuse for the way I acted.  I could have let him know in a different way how his actions were effecting me and the class.  You know what?  I don't feel like apologizing.  I really don't think he deserves it.   I'll still do it because it's the adult thing to do, but I'll hate every second of it.  

I have a meeting tomorrow with the parent of the most troublesome kid in my room.  I have a list of things to talk about.  He's nervous because he doesn't want his mother to know these things, yet he continues to do them.  One minute he's all talk and bravado, the next he's begging me not to talk to her.  He's trying so hard to be the cool kid, the one who doesn't care about anyone or anything.  I still don't know which way to go with him.  I believe in natural consequences, but his actions are impacting others in the room. 

I keep reminding myself that we're only a month into the year, but at the same time we're already a month into the year.  Does that make sense?  When is this going to gel?  When will all the kinks be worked out?  Gah!  

Hubby asked me this weekend if I'm overwhelmed...If I have too much to do for this job...If I've bitten off more than I can chew.  Oh yeah, absolutely.  But I'm really enjoying it.  Last year was an extremely stressful, overwhelming year.  Probably the worst in 20 years, and I hated that job by the end.  What's the difference?  Administration.  Plain and simple.  Teachers don't quit schools.  They quit principals and admin.  Aside from being a puta (honestly, the kid's not wrong) I really love this job.  

See you next week.